I live my life in boy drag (or why i hate Halloween)

People like to call Halloween ‘gay Christmas.’ First off, I hate Christmas. I dislike the drama that seems to go hand-in-hand with the holiday. It is why I stopped celebrating it: the awful family drama. I can see why people like christmas. I do.

Anyway, so gay Christmas, aka Halloween. When people get go to be adults they stop going out for candy and start dressing up in skimpy outfits and getting really drunk. Fine. Whatever. But I’ve been pretty much over halloween since I stopped going out for candy. I can’t remember exactly why I stopped doing Halloween in the first place… It might have been around the same time I decided to stop celebrating all holidays.

In any case, my motivation these days is different. Halloween is probably the one day a year I could dress up the way I’d like to dress everyday (maybe a nice flowy skirt and a shirt with a tie, my nails done and my make-up immaculate) without encountering any significant problems. No one would think it strange. Perhaps they’d be a little puzzled over my ‘costume’ but it’d be fine. I used to dress like this when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I stopped because of many reasons, the chief of which was some really nasty internalized femme-hate with a dash of trans-hate.

So, you might think, shouldn’t she love Halloween? He can dress as she wants! Not so much. I feel like I spend everyday of my goddam life in a costume. I dress to pass. I play the role of ‘man’ because it simplifies some things and, more importantly, makes me feel safer.

This makes me resent the notion that dressing up as myself should be a ‘costume’ I can only safely wear on Halloween. Perhaps things would be better (for a value of ‘better’) if I had a more binary identity and maybe transitioned. But there isn’t much room for non-binary people in this binary, cis-supremacist world. And I believe that I have the right to guard my safety (even as I recognize my ability to ‘pass’ is a privilege — it is only ‘passing’ because I do allow myself some authentic gender expression).

So no, I don’t want to dress up as a wizard or vampire on Halloween, not when I’d love the privilege of just dressing up as me.

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