Posts tagged ‘imperialism’

November 8, 2011

Gender Imperialism

According the San Francisco Trans March’s about page, this was part of the original callout that started the march:

to encourage more trans and gender-variant people to come out; to build connections among ftm, mtf, bayot, crossdressers, sadhin, hijra, transvestites, bantut, drag queens, drag kings, mahu, transsexuals, bakla, travesti, genderqueers, kathoey, two spirit, intersex

Speaking from my particular Bakla experience, I find this list very troubling. The impression you get from this list is that bayot, sadhin, hijra, bantut, mahu, bakla, kathoey, and two spirit are all trans identities. Now, I do not know about the other identity labels in this list (nor would I want to speak on their behalf), but I will say that I do not believe that Bakla is a trans identity. Or it isn’t necessarily a trans identity.

In my Filipin@ family ‘bakla’ was usually considered to be Tagalog for gay. This means, within my family, that bakla denoted sexuality and not quite a gender expression. Of course, being bakla sexually did have some interconnected gender norms that would appear to the Western gaze as gender variance or non-conformance. In other words, being bakla=gay in my Filipina context had different cultural meanings than being gay did in my larger Western context.

It has been and continues to be a challenge for me to resist the Western, imperialist constructions of gender. This conflict has been my *only* source of gender confusion and dysphoria. Before I was kicked out of my dad’s house, I was perfectly comfortable with my gender. But as I became entirely surrounded by the Western gaze, with no refuge, I began to feel discord with my gender and body. I have spent years struggling with my gender only to realize that the issue was not about my relation to my body but my relation to how the West views my body. My gender dysphoria was the result of Western imperialism.

When I started wearing skirts and make-up in high school, I was perfectly fine. I was also, to the surprise of everyone white person I’ve told, perfectly fine at home and with my family. I didn’t try to wear the skirts at my Catholic high school (but I did wear the make-up). And I actually got my dad to tell the school administration to stop bullying me about my gender non-conformance. Amazing, isn’t it? More important than these really great external circumstances, was the fact that I never felt like my body and gender were mis-aligned. I liked having this body. My gender expression was fine for bodies like mine. All was right in the world and with my gender.

After I got kicked out (for reasons unrelated to my being queer), I entered the big, white world. And in this world, suddenly my gender and its expression became a source of conflict and danger. Perhaps my most alarming experience was being followed home by this guy. I, unfortunately, lived in the ghetto at this point (my street was the street where the women sex workers conducted business). This meant that being followed home in this neighborhood was *not* a good thing. I also experienced other expressions of hate and discomfort with gender variance. Eventually, these experiences (and a toxic friendship) convinced me to throw my skirts away (lovingly hand crocheted by myself) and make up, so that I could be a ‘man.’

Trying to live up to this Western, gender normative notion of ‘man’ did a lot of damage to myself. I’m getting over it, but it hasn’t been easy. And as I exit this stage of my life I’ve been re-examining my relationship with the trans umbrella (and the cis/trans binary). Ultimately, I’m resisting this label too, partially out of mistrust and a fear that even trying out this better, but still Western, conception of gender will still do damage to me. And I think it would. Because accepting the trans label as a bakla means that I’m defining and understanding my gender within a Western context. It is an acceptance of the imperialism and continued colonization of my body by the West.

My gender identity, and its expression, exist outside of the Western construction of gender. It is the product of a culture that, while it has a colonial past, is its own. I do stand in solidarity, however, with my trans cousins because we are, ultimately, fighting for the same rights (I want the freedom to express my gender without consequence, just as much as they do). And as I stand in solidarity with my trans cousins, I ask that they recognize that appropriative nature of things like the SF Trans March callout. That they recognize that trying to include non-Western identities under the trans umbrella is imperialistic and wrong, even when individuals choose to stand under that umbrella. As a bakla, I do not belong to a monolith and my community is diverse. Some of us are trans and some are not. And, ultimately, this is *our* decision, not yours.

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October 11, 2011

Closet Imperialism

I was reading about Sean Maher’s coming out today, which I think is super awesome because it appears to mean a great deal to him and pop culture homos are necessary (role models, etc.).

I was, again, irritated at the framing of the discussion. Mainly that he wanted to come out of the closet because he felt dishonest and didn’t want his children to learn shame. I always find it interesting the difference I hear in these narratives between people of colour and white people. White people always talk about coming out in this way. It is always about letting their families know who they really are (whatever that means). It is always about being honest. Being true to yourself. That being closeted is an expression of shame. Whereas queers of colour will tell me that they don’t want to distress their family with unnecessary details about their personal life. Right or wrong, they are privilege their family’s unity and peace over their own needs. It is the kind of filial collectivism that flies in the face of Western, ‘fuck everyone else’ notions of individualism.

Except…

Few people seem to realize that this is a white, Western narrative. That the framing of this issue is imperialist and might be rejected by someone like me, a queer of colour. I agree with the basic premise that no person should live with shame. Except so many people shame people in the closet for being dishonest. Everyone has the right to negotiate the world in their own way, at their own level of safety and comfort.

This shaming and closet imperialism is especially damaging to people of colour, who must navigate multiple sites of oppression and are disproportionately impacted by homo-hating. I’ve talked to a few comrades who’ve talked about the agony the *pressure* to come out gives them: they feel as if they must to satisfy some arbitrary (and American) notion of honesty and pride. They get told this by a community that continually demeans their communities (look at gay criticisms of Black people and Black churches during the Prop 8 fiasco).

For those people who do not exist in the American cultural sphere: you do not have to accept this narrative of the closet. You do not have to understand your life in this way.

I reject this imperialist notion of that it means to be queer. I reject the white dichotomy of being in/out of the closet. This is not (and was not) my lived experience. I reject the normative, ethical valuations of whether or not I disclose my sexuality or gender to the people in my life. Basically, I reject any and all attempts of white people to colonize my mind, my sexuality, my gender, and my sense of self.

(note: if, at the end of this all, you are wondering whether or not I’m out, you’ve missed the point. I was never *in* a closet, thus I never had to come *out* of one. I also want to make it clear that the sort of thing I’m talking about is not a license for those guys who want the straight lifestyle but the gay sex without the knowledge and consent of their partners — I’m looking at all the middle-aged white guys who tried to get me to be their little Asian ladyboy on the side. The point of what I’ve been trying to say is that living with honesty and integrity is *not* wedded to the notion of being out. They are not the same thing.)

** This post was scheduled for later, but it turns out that today is national coming out day, so here it is! **